Mary -- It's so good to hear from you! I'm sorry about your sister's health issues -- and what a challenge to serve as power of attorney from afar.
I think most people are in a sandwich season of sorts. I have friends who don't have children but have aging parents and demanding careers -- and they are juggling similar challenges and emotions. We commiserate and troubleshoot regularly.
You make a good argument for writing the obituary in advance! It's hard to remember everything it should/could include in the moment.
When you first started writing this, I thought, I'm not in Sandwich Season. My parents are already gone. But lately we've been dealing with my sister in Pennsylvania, in and out of the hospital, and I'm her health care power of attorney. I guess we're not out of these woods yet. Thanks for all your sharing.
An obit writing workshop is a good idea! I've written many obits in my day, and so has my sister, but when we wrote our dad's we forgot to mention his surviving siblings. Oops!
Your reflections on where you were at emotionally a year ago resonate deeply with me. When you're in the thick of it -- whatever 'it' is (the decline of a parent, for certain), you just don't know what the next weeks and months will be like. I'm sure there's a psychological term for that uncertainty; anticipatory grief is what resonates with me. It's at those times and in those moments when it feels so hard to be reminded that these times are what they are and there's no rushing them (and usually we don't want to rush them because of what that means) and that we will get through them. Usually getting through them means facing inevitable loss. Of course, the actual grief is it's own journey. And the challenge is that anticipatory grief and 'regular' grief are in the midst of the rest of our messy lives.
I reconnected with a high school acquaintance a couple times right before my mom made the decision to go to hospice. She had just experienced her own dad's death and her mom's death a couple years before that. Her ability to really listen and understand how I was navigating things with my mom helped me so much. I consider her a true gift to me and I consider you and your reflections in your blog a true gift to me, as well. :)
Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, reflections and kind words. I started highlighting phrases in your comment, thinking that I wanted to reflect on and respond to them, but I highlighted most of those two paragraphs!
One thing that occurs to me is how much of our lives we (I) spend in anticipatory grief ... worrying about what is to come. My whole life I worried about what would happen if/when I lost my loved ones. A friend told me yesterday of a situation she had been anxious about and shared the saying, "Worry is interest paid in advance on a loan that never comes due." I've paid a lot of that interest in my life!
But then, losing a parent, losing a loved one ... it actually happens, and when it's fresh I think you realize your loan did come due. The worry was justified (wasn't it?). The worst thing happened. In my case, I feel as if my anticipatory grief has shifted into a slightly new form. Now I know what's coming, what it feels like to experience the grief of the sudden absence of someone close to me. But I also know that I can sit in that grief, learn from that grief and carry it with me while living my -- as you so rightly put it -- "messy" life. (And that's why I didn't wear mascara for many months!)
There is a big thread worth pulling between the point we've highlighted before together, 'knowing what's coming', empathy, journeying this path over and over..helping others carry their grief or sharing some of their burden. The worry is justified...we try to use, not get toasted by it...no griddled sandwich pannini's pls!
Thank you for this important reminder that we will get through it! I love that you are offering the obit workshop. This moth is too full for me, but would love to do it at a future date! Also, the details about a Tottoro inspired bathroom made me laugh as that's my 8 year old's favorite movie!
Christine, I actually took a photo of the Tottoro bathroom while I was there ... but I couldn't find it yesterday. Darnit! I must have deleted it. Toilet cover, toilet seat cover, toilet paper dispenser cover, slippers ... maybe something else as well. Really sweet!
I envision doing the obit workshop again in the future -- will let you know. Thanks for your interest! :)
I am interested in your workshop. I guess it's time for that kind of writing now and I'd love to do it with you! I am having cataract surgery this month but it shouldn't keep me from writing. let me know thanks
Mary -- It's so good to hear from you! I'm sorry about your sister's health issues -- and what a challenge to serve as power of attorney from afar.
I think most people are in a sandwich season of sorts. I have friends who don't have children but have aging parents and demanding careers -- and they are juggling similar challenges and emotions. We commiserate and troubleshoot regularly.
You make a good argument for writing the obituary in advance! It's hard to remember everything it should/could include in the moment.
Take care!
When you first started writing this, I thought, I'm not in Sandwich Season. My parents are already gone. But lately we've been dealing with my sister in Pennsylvania, in and out of the hospital, and I'm her health care power of attorney. I guess we're not out of these woods yet. Thanks for all your sharing.
An obit writing workshop is a good idea! I've written many obits in my day, and so has my sister, but when we wrote our dad's we forgot to mention his surviving siblings. Oops!
Your reflections on where you were at emotionally a year ago resonate deeply with me. When you're in the thick of it -- whatever 'it' is (the decline of a parent, for certain), you just don't know what the next weeks and months will be like. I'm sure there's a psychological term for that uncertainty; anticipatory grief is what resonates with me. It's at those times and in those moments when it feels so hard to be reminded that these times are what they are and there's no rushing them (and usually we don't want to rush them because of what that means) and that we will get through them. Usually getting through them means facing inevitable loss. Of course, the actual grief is it's own journey. And the challenge is that anticipatory grief and 'regular' grief are in the midst of the rest of our messy lives.
I reconnected with a high school acquaintance a couple times right before my mom made the decision to go to hospice. She had just experienced her own dad's death and her mom's death a couple years before that. Her ability to really listen and understand how I was navigating things with my mom helped me so much. I consider her a true gift to me and I consider you and your reflections in your blog a true gift to me, as well. :)
Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, reflections and kind words. I started highlighting phrases in your comment, thinking that I wanted to reflect on and respond to them, but I highlighted most of those two paragraphs!
One thing that occurs to me is how much of our lives we (I) spend in anticipatory grief ... worrying about what is to come. My whole life I worried about what would happen if/when I lost my loved ones. A friend told me yesterday of a situation she had been anxious about and shared the saying, "Worry is interest paid in advance on a loan that never comes due." I've paid a lot of that interest in my life!
But then, losing a parent, losing a loved one ... it actually happens, and when it's fresh I think you realize your loan did come due. The worry was justified (wasn't it?). The worst thing happened. In my case, I feel as if my anticipatory grief has shifted into a slightly new form. Now I know what's coming, what it feels like to experience the grief of the sudden absence of someone close to me. But I also know that I can sit in that grief, learn from that grief and carry it with me while living my -- as you so rightly put it -- "messy" life. (And that's why I didn't wear mascara for many months!)
Thinking of you with thanks this new year!
There is a big thread worth pulling between the point we've highlighted before together, 'knowing what's coming', empathy, journeying this path over and over..helping others carry their grief or sharing some of their burden. The worry is justified...we try to use, not get toasted by it...no griddled sandwich pannini's pls!
I love hearing your voice of reality and sense of humor here, Victoria! No griddled paninis today, at least!
Thank you for this important reminder that we will get through it! I love that you are offering the obit workshop. This moth is too full for me, but would love to do it at a future date! Also, the details about a Tottoro inspired bathroom made me laugh as that's my 8 year old's favorite movie!
Christine, I actually took a photo of the Tottoro bathroom while I was there ... but I couldn't find it yesterday. Darnit! I must have deleted it. Toilet cover, toilet seat cover, toilet paper dispenser cover, slippers ... maybe something else as well. Really sweet!
I envision doing the obit workshop again in the future -- will let you know. Thanks for your interest! :)
Maybe it's just as well you don't have the photo - because if I showed it to my son, he'd want a bathroom make-over!
Hah! :)
I am interested in your workshop. I guess it's time for that kind of writing now and I'd love to do it with you! I am having cataract surgery this month but it shouldn't keep me from writing. let me know thanks
Carolann, that would be fantastic! I love working with you. :) I will let you know the plan very soon.