Hi, Sarah. Are you familiar with these thoughts from Dietrich Bonhoeffer? A pastor friend of mine included them in a sympathy card when Bob's mother died. At the time, they spoke to me. They remind me that, while almost all of us experience the loss of our parents -- and in that way we are not alone -- we are all uniquely experiencing the loss of a specific person who cannot and will not be replaced. And, in that way, it's a journey we are on alone.
“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”
Our grief journeys are similar but they are also uniquely singular. I find Bonhoeffer's thoughts comforting because they acknowledge that no one replaces our parents and nothing takes away our loss and we shouldn't strive for that. And in that loss, we are able relish the gift of that parent with all their complexities and the complexities of our relationship with them.
Lisa, this is beautiful! I especially love this line you included from Bonhoeffer's writing: "gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy."
Just the other day I was recalling and wondering at the unexpected feelings of joy I experienced in the weeks and months just after my mom passed. I think the time I spent reflecting on her life led me to a place of gratitude and that, in turn, brought such unexpected joy.
Thank you so much for sharing these writings and your thoughts, Lisa. I'll carry them with me, and I suspect they will comfort others as well.
Thank you for this. Always on the lookout for how to help loved ones dealing with memory issues.
Hi Melanie -- Best wishes to you as you share ideas with your loved ones. Your comment caused me to recall one of my favorite quotes:
"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
-- Luciano De Crescenzo
I'm so grateful you compiled this list of valuable resources. Will share with my network and save to come back to again!
Christine, I'm glad you found it helpful! I've already thought of a couple more ... will share them soon ...
Hi, Sarah. Are you familiar with these thoughts from Dietrich Bonhoeffer? A pastor friend of mine included them in a sympathy card when Bob's mother died. At the time, they spoke to me. They remind me that, while almost all of us experience the loss of our parents -- and in that way we are not alone -- we are all uniquely experiencing the loss of a specific person who cannot and will not be replaced. And, in that way, it's a journey we are on alone.
“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”
Our grief journeys are similar but they are also uniquely singular. I find Bonhoeffer's thoughts comforting because they acknowledge that no one replaces our parents and nothing takes away our loss and we shouldn't strive for that. And in that loss, we are able relish the gift of that parent with all their complexities and the complexities of our relationship with them.
Thank you for your reflections.
Lisa, this is beautiful! I especially love this line you included from Bonhoeffer's writing: "gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy."
Just the other day I was recalling and wondering at the unexpected feelings of joy I experienced in the weeks and months just after my mom passed. I think the time I spent reflecting on her life led me to a place of gratitude and that, in turn, brought such unexpected joy.
Thank you so much for sharing these writings and your thoughts, Lisa. I'll carry them with me, and I suspect they will comfort others as well.
These are so useful, even your summaries. Thank you
I'm glad to hear it, Rachel! Thanks