I enjoyed this Sarah, thank you for sharing. For the piece I’m working on, I’m reflecting on how parents teach their kids to handle emotions, including tears. You have inspired me to include a bit about my own upbringing. I also come from stoic women ❤️
Amber, thank you so much for writing and for restacking my post. Let’s hear it for daughters of stoic women! I am eager to read your post and am really happy to hear you’re going to include yourself in it. A couple of days ago I was asked to talk about my process of writing a story about students engaging with people with dementia (it’s also on my stack—“Seeing dementia through new eyes”). Although it started out as a more journalistic story, I found myself adding in some of my experiences with my mom … and my editor surprised me by asking me to put even more of my personal story in it. I think often when we add our personal experiences to a piece readers are able to bring in their personal experiences to their reading of a piece, and in a way we then get to share our common humanity. This is all to say, yay you! I’m cheering you on and looking forward to reading your post! Take care.
What a beautiful story and reflection about your mother. I resonate so much about being proud to be the one holding back the tears while my peers cried. I probably got it too from my stoic Nanny, I love everything about her stoicism but maybe except the crying part.
Thank you, Rachel, for sharing your thoughts and how we share this trait! I'm not sure I had actually articulated my competitive non-crying efforts before writing that piece, and it is heartening to know I'm not the only one who has considered not crying to some sort of badge of honor. All best to you!
This was beautifully written, Sarah. And once again, so much of your experience resonates with mine <3 However, my dad was a big ol' softie who cried a lot, and I felt some strange sense of shame or guilt for NOT totally losing it while speaking at his memorial!
Oh, Anna, grief is a strange animal, isn't it? Not to be too forward, but I hope you haven't carried that sense of shame over *not* crying with you ... it sounds to me as if your emotional self was carrying you (more effectively than mine did!), helping you take one step at a time to get through that day. Your dad sounds like a sweetheart ... would you say he even helped you see crying as a desirable activity ... ? <3
Thanks Sarah. I'm not carrying that shame, I know my dad himself would never have judged me for not crying, and would have been touched by the words I spoke. But I thought it was interesting that I fixated on what my emotional response "should" look like. I think he did model a very healthy emotional response, including crying.
I loved reading this, and it brought back memories of sharing at my father’s memorial service. Tears and hugs, so healing. I grew up in a stoic farm family, but mom would cry at sad movies. I would wait and cry alone in my room later. But perhaps this is one reason my first book addressed grief related to health issues and I specialized in grief and adjustment to disability or health conditions. Understanding that tears honored something or someone we deeply valued and helping people work through grief in healthy, healing ways became an area I treasured.
Susan, it is so interesting how our grief backgrounds shape us. I love that you took your stoic upbringing and evolved into someone who explores the idea of grief and how to help others walk through it. Beautiful! <3
Thank you. I’m grateful to have found freedom to acknowledge losses and help others with this as well. It is interesting how grief does shape us, but since grief acknowledges what we love or value, it makes sense in a way.
What a journey you took us through! I have tears welling up as I read your and your mom's transformation when it comes to emotional expressiveness. I can relate a lot to your experience of having a mom with a stiff upper lip who didn't take to hugging -- and this is from an entirely different culture as yours. Your writing is beautiful, vidid and so very touching.
Hi Sarah. I just want to say I read this and cried, a mother of two daughters myself now and I see myself in your mom. One of my daughters is opposed to physical displays of emotion in any form and told me she’d love to do my eulogy someday, however would be busy vomiting when I die.
I do love hugs now that I’m slighter softer with age and well this 🤗 is for you. ❤️
I cried most of the way through your story. I don't cry at my own just everyone elses. In my old age, I seem to be more sensitive to everyone's joys and sorrows not necessarily my own. Thank you for this beautiful gift to your mom and to us. I will continue to cry and maybe I will figure it out some day soon.
Carolann, thank you for sharing this. It sounds like by sharing in others' joys and sorrows you are already well on your way to "figuring it out." (And when you do, let me know what it is you find!) Hugs to you, my friend.
Kirsten, I'm sending you hugs and condolences. Are you finding too, that the one-year mark brings its own forms of grief and acceptance? Saying goodbye happens not just once but again and again ... Take care.
Thank you, Sarah (she says with a deep, resonant, fat tear sliding down her face). I have a beautiful image of everyone hugging, tearfully holding you and your family together in love. Tears and hugs—no words needed.
Crying seems to be our unique catalyst as humans. Perhaps an essential survival mechanism given our immensely complex ability to form emotions. It's fascinating to think natural selection hasn't removed emotion-tears from humans! (paraphrasing the research from Rev. Ben Perry's book!
[P.S I shall see this as my bday gift today, one caregiver to another - thank you.]
Victoria! It's your birthday? Happy birthday to you! Thank you for your encouragement and all you're doing to guide us through this collaboration. Sending hugs and all best wishes your way.
I enjoyed this Sarah, thank you for sharing. For the piece I’m working on, I’m reflecting on how parents teach their kids to handle emotions, including tears. You have inspired me to include a bit about my own upbringing. I also come from stoic women ❤️
Amber, thank you so much for writing and for restacking my post. Let’s hear it for daughters of stoic women! I am eager to read your post and am really happy to hear you’re going to include yourself in it. A couple of days ago I was asked to talk about my process of writing a story about students engaging with people with dementia (it’s also on my stack—“Seeing dementia through new eyes”). Although it started out as a more journalistic story, I found myself adding in some of my experiences with my mom … and my editor surprised me by asking me to put even more of my personal story in it. I think often when we add our personal experiences to a piece readers are able to bring in their personal experiences to their reading of a piece, and in a way we then get to share our common humanity. This is all to say, yay you! I’m cheering you on and looking forward to reading your post! Take care.
What a beautiful story and reflection about your mother. I resonate so much about being proud to be the one holding back the tears while my peers cried. I probably got it too from my stoic Nanny, I love everything about her stoicism but maybe except the crying part.
Thank you, Rachel, for sharing your thoughts and how we share this trait! I'm not sure I had actually articulated my competitive non-crying efforts before writing that piece, and it is heartening to know I'm not the only one who has considered not crying to some sort of badge of honor. All best to you!
This was beautifully written, Sarah. And once again, so much of your experience resonates with mine <3 However, my dad was a big ol' softie who cried a lot, and I felt some strange sense of shame or guilt for NOT totally losing it while speaking at his memorial!
Oh, Anna, grief is a strange animal, isn't it? Not to be too forward, but I hope you haven't carried that sense of shame over *not* crying with you ... it sounds to me as if your emotional self was carrying you (more effectively than mine did!), helping you take one step at a time to get through that day. Your dad sounds like a sweetheart ... would you say he even helped you see crying as a desirable activity ... ? <3
Thanks Sarah. I'm not carrying that shame, I know my dad himself would never have judged me for not crying, and would have been touched by the words I spoke. But I thought it was interesting that I fixated on what my emotional response "should" look like. I think he did model a very healthy emotional response, including crying.
Anna, ah those "shoulds." Your father sounds like a very dear man. Thank you for sharing about him here ♥️
Sarah, this is absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate it, Cherie. Thank you!
I loved reading this, and it brought back memories of sharing at my father’s memorial service. Tears and hugs, so healing. I grew up in a stoic farm family, but mom would cry at sad movies. I would wait and cry alone in my room later. But perhaps this is one reason my first book addressed grief related to health issues and I specialized in grief and adjustment to disability or health conditions. Understanding that tears honored something or someone we deeply valued and helping people work through grief in healthy, healing ways became an area I treasured.
Susan, it is so interesting how our grief backgrounds shape us. I love that you took your stoic upbringing and evolved into someone who explores the idea of grief and how to help others walk through it. Beautiful! <3
Thank you. I’m grateful to have found freedom to acknowledge losses and help others with this as well. It is interesting how grief does shape us, but since grief acknowledges what we love or value, it makes sense in a way.
Well put -- yes, it does!
What a journey you took us through! I have tears welling up as I read your and your mom's transformation when it comes to emotional expressiveness. I can relate a lot to your experience of having a mom with a stiff upper lip who didn't take to hugging -- and this is from an entirely different culture as yours. Your writing is beautiful, vidid and so very touching.
Louisa, thank you so much for sharing your kind words and empathy. Sending you a hug ... and looking forward to reading your upcoming post! <3
Thank you, Sarah! Big hugs back 🤗
Hi Sarah. I just want to say I read this and cried, a mother of two daughters myself now and I see myself in your mom. One of my daughters is opposed to physical displays of emotion in any form and told me she’d love to do my eulogy someday, however would be busy vomiting when I die.
I do love hugs now that I’m slighter softer with age and well this 🤗 is for you. ❤️
Well done
Aw, Kristin, thank you for the hug and your very kind words. Sending hugs right back to you and your daughters! <3
I cried most of the way through your story. I don't cry at my own just everyone elses. In my old age, I seem to be more sensitive to everyone's joys and sorrows not necessarily my own. Thank you for this beautiful gift to your mom and to us. I will continue to cry and maybe I will figure it out some day soon.
Carolann, thank you for sharing this. It sounds like by sharing in others' joys and sorrows you are already well on your way to "figuring it out." (And when you do, let me know what it is you find!) Hugs to you, my friend.
Oh, Sarah. My Mom passed away last Fall, too. Your writing and journey touches my heart so deeply. ((hugs)) ❤️
Kirsten, I'm sending you hugs and condolences. Are you finding too, that the one-year mark brings its own forms of grief and acceptance? Saying goodbye happens not just once but again and again ... Take care.
Thank you, Sarah (she says with a deep, resonant, fat tear sliding down her face). I have a beautiful image of everyone hugging, tearfully holding you and your family together in love. Tears and hugs—no words needed.
Crying seems to be our unique catalyst as humans. Perhaps an essential survival mechanism given our immensely complex ability to form emotions. It's fascinating to think natural selection hasn't removed emotion-tears from humans! (paraphrasing the research from Rev. Ben Perry's book!
[P.S I shall see this as my bday gift today, one caregiver to another - thank you.]
Victoria! It's your birthday? Happy birthday to you! Thank you for your encouragement and all you're doing to guide us through this collaboration. Sending hugs and all best wishes your way.