Hi Sarah, I wandered here from the comment you left on Dan Blank’s Substack. This is such a beautiful and moving post. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us!
You’re welcome! I read several of your posts and your writing resonated very deeply for me. I don’t have kids so I’m missing one slice of bread for the sandwich but my mom, who is still living, is navigating both dementia and hospice care. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Tara, I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through with your mom and am thinking of you. Exactly a year ago I was in what sounds like a similar situation. It is hard, and, as a friend (whose mom is also struggling with dementia) and I recently discussed, there is no way around it ... just through it. Take good care of yourself, Tara, as much as you can, in this tough time.
(Please forgive the lateness of my response. I am in and out of Substack ... and trying to become more consistent.)
this is so beautiful and timely. So many people are now taking care of parents. It brought back memories of my mom's passing and the work to care for her, while early grieving stunned us all. I am in the senior years of my life and think about this often. What will I do when this happens to me and how will my kids and I work it out. It has never been too hard to live alone and walk through my life alone but now I think dying might be crazy different. thanks for the glimpse into your life and what your family has done. It is an inspiration.
Thank you for sharing this, Carolann. This experience with my parents certainly has Jon and me looking ahead as well. While I'm glad there is no crystal ball, it would be helpful for the planning process ...
This is so beautiful! As someone who is also in sandwich season and has difficulty asking for help, this is something I will remember. Thank you for sharing it.
Such a lovely and loving post. Thank you. My siblings and I arrived at the same place with my Mom, and then soon followed by my Dad. None of us lived close by them, so we took turns (about a month at a time) being there to help.
Your email asking for help is brilliant. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind response, Teyani. How wonderful that you and your siblings were able to be present for your parents and, by sharing the caregiving, for each other.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story I happened to stumble on. There are many echoes of it to experiences I’ve had and I love the solution you arrived at. You helped shaped this hard time into something altogether different.
I love this. If you can tell people exactly what you need they will spring into action. It’s the figuring that out like you said is the hardest part! Thank you for sharing that email/sign-up sheet idea and for sharing you and your family’s story!
Sara, you summed it up perfectly: "If you can tell people exactly what you need they will spring into action." Yes! This experience showed me, once again, that so much of life is about communication.
Sarah, this is a beautiful example of community-friends support. Thank you for sharing the email. By sharing this far & wide, others can use your idea and the email as a template to ask for help. So many points in your article resonated. As someone who lived for years with hypervigilance watching Dad, I gave a big exhale at the thought of people coming in to support your Dad. So many times, there is a myth that caregiving is only an act of 'doing' something a lot of time is monitoring, anticipating needs, watching to protect...being vigilant.
Victoria, yes to all of that! As you said, caregiving includes "monitoring, anticipating needs, watching to protect ... being vigilant" -- not just the "doing." I hear you about the hypervigilance, both with watching my parents and our son. That in itself takes a lot of energy, even when not much appears to be happening. Being able to turn it over for even just an hour can put the wind back in a caregiver's sails.
YES! I had 1 hour each day to go to the gym, do a 20 min run, grab some groceries and walk back home. It enabled me to keep going. I'm going to link this post into my 'Resonance' article
I love that you share this commitment to self care. So important! I'm thankful for our dog, who needs a solid run/walk plus a another good walk every day and the yoga class I teach (can't skip!) every week. Movement is my therapy.
This resonates so deeply with me. For those of us in the position of watching a parent become a caregiver or care receiver, we look for paths forward. Even though we are "early days" here with my mom's condition, I do wonder how my dad manage as her caregiver. Thanks for this wonderful idea--one with meaning for all involved and a chance to honor relationships. Also, I'll pass along a favorite line/mantra I enjoy: "Onward and awkward!".
Kristen, I love that -- "onward and awkward!" I'm adopting it (and, clearly, living it :) ). Watching roles change and experiencing those changes can be really unsettling and full of surprises -- both good and bad. I think the best we can do is strive to honor all of the relationships involved. Thinking of you and your parents <3
Hi Sarah, I wandered here from the comment you left on Dan Blank’s Substack. This is such a beautiful and moving post. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us!
Tara, thank you very much for stopping by and reading my work. I'm happy to hear it spoke to you
You’re welcome! I read several of your posts and your writing resonated very deeply for me. I don’t have kids so I’m missing one slice of bread for the sandwich but my mom, who is still living, is navigating both dementia and hospice care. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Tara, I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through with your mom and am thinking of you. Exactly a year ago I was in what sounds like a similar situation. It is hard, and, as a friend (whose mom is also struggling with dementia) and I recently discussed, there is no way around it ... just through it. Take good care of yourself, Tara, as much as you can, in this tough time.
(Please forgive the lateness of my response. I am in and out of Substack ... and trying to become more consistent.)
this is so beautiful and timely. So many people are now taking care of parents. It brought back memories of my mom's passing and the work to care for her, while early grieving stunned us all. I am in the senior years of my life and think about this often. What will I do when this happens to me and how will my kids and I work it out. It has never been too hard to live alone and walk through my life alone but now I think dying might be crazy different. thanks for the glimpse into your life and what your family has done. It is an inspiration.
Thank you for sharing this, Carolann. This experience with my parents certainly has Jon and me looking ahead as well. While I'm glad there is no crystal ball, it would be helpful for the planning process ...
This is so beautiful! As someone who is also in sandwich season and has difficulty asking for help, this is something I will remember. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for writing, Jennifer! Best wishes to you on this journey.
Such a lovely and loving post. Thank you. My siblings and I arrived at the same place with my Mom, and then soon followed by my Dad. None of us lived close by them, so we took turns (about a month at a time) being there to help.
Your email asking for help is brilliant. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind response, Teyani. How wonderful that you and your siblings were able to be present for your parents and, by sharing the caregiving, for each other.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story I happened to stumble on. There are many echoes of it to experiences I’ve had and I love the solution you arrived at. You helped shaped this hard time into something altogether different.
Hi Addie -- I'm happy to know our experience spoke to you. Thank you for reading and for your kind comment!
I love this. If you can tell people exactly what you need they will spring into action. It’s the figuring that out like you said is the hardest part! Thank you for sharing that email/sign-up sheet idea and for sharing you and your family’s story!
Sara, you summed it up perfectly: "If you can tell people exactly what you need they will spring into action." Yes! This experience showed me, once again, that so much of life is about communication.
Sarah, this is a beautiful example of community-friends support. Thank you for sharing the email. By sharing this far & wide, others can use your idea and the email as a template to ask for help. So many points in your article resonated. As someone who lived for years with hypervigilance watching Dad, I gave a big exhale at the thought of people coming in to support your Dad. So many times, there is a myth that caregiving is only an act of 'doing' something a lot of time is monitoring, anticipating needs, watching to protect...being vigilant.
Victoria, yes to all of that! As you said, caregiving includes "monitoring, anticipating needs, watching to protect ... being vigilant" -- not just the "doing." I hear you about the hypervigilance, both with watching my parents and our son. That in itself takes a lot of energy, even when not much appears to be happening. Being able to turn it over for even just an hour can put the wind back in a caregiver's sails.
YES! I had 1 hour each day to go to the gym, do a 20 min run, grab some groceries and walk back home. It enabled me to keep going. I'm going to link this post into my 'Resonance' article
P.S. Thank you for linking my post!
I love that you share this commitment to self care. So important! I'm thankful for our dog, who needs a solid run/walk plus a another good walk every day and the yoga class I teach (can't skip!) every week. Movement is my therapy.
YES! I like how the Drs Amelia and Emily Nagoski discussed movement as completing the stress cycle in their interview with Brené: https://www.carermentor.com/p/feeling-exhausted-depleted-and-dreading?r=a9y7d&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Yep I'm a huge ABK fan of all things Brené
I will check out that interview -- thank you, Victoria!
This resonates so deeply with me. For those of us in the position of watching a parent become a caregiver or care receiver, we look for paths forward. Even though we are "early days" here with my mom's condition, I do wonder how my dad manage as her caregiver. Thanks for this wonderful idea--one with meaning for all involved and a chance to honor relationships. Also, I'll pass along a favorite line/mantra I enjoy: "Onward and awkward!".
Kristen, I love that -- "onward and awkward!" I'm adopting it (and, clearly, living it :) ). Watching roles change and experiencing those changes can be really unsettling and full of surprises -- both good and bad. I think the best we can do is strive to honor all of the relationships involved. Thinking of you and your parents <3