As a Detective driving an unmarked car, I visited the post office and I witnessed an old man driving an old station wagon as he backed into a parked car. I radioed for backup and a uniformed officer arrived and exchanged information as the collision was on private property. The old man was about 96 and he was a well known millionaire who still lived on his diminishing farm. It was once much larger but he donated the land for the City’s high school & sold the land for a Metro subway stop & parking lot. I inspected his station wagon’s metal, rear bumper. It was adorned by more than thirty different paint transfers from years of his bumper-car backing habits. In the squad room, i referred to the bumper as a “psychedelic bumper” due to the random colors; Klee, Pollack or Miro couldn’t have done better, it’s colors rivaled the hippy buses from the Summer of Love. The front metal bumper was equally festooned.
Three or four years later, I was very close to a reported hit & run accident in which the victim remained at the scene but reported that she had been rear-ended by an old station wagon, driven by an old man. After hitting her car, he backed-up & drove around her, then drove off. She was not harmed. I was the first to arrive and, as I approached the back of her car and observed an entire metal bumper, with license plate attached along with a known paint-transfer-pattern. I radioed that the victim was ok and that I would be going directly to the old man’s farm to talk to his daughter.
I found the father and daughter standing near the car and her eyes told me that she fully understood where things would have to go. Within a month, the ticketing officer had brought the case to the attention of a judge and the daughter had obtained a doctor’s order to end her father’s driving privileges. By the time this happened, the man was either 99 or 100. To my knowledge, there was never an injury from his chronic, paint-transfer collisions…even after his bumper fell off.
Phil, what a story and well told at that! I can picture that crazy Summer of Love bumper. :) Thank you for sharing it -- I love that it came with a relatively happy ending.
(I apologize for not responding sooner. I somehow missed your comment.)
After three fender-benders while driving in traffic, my Uncle Ed visited my grandmother’s home and told her that she couldn’t drive any more. She was in her 80s. Her response, “Well, you are no longer welcome in my home.” His response, “Mom, I love you.”
For me, seeking to avoid the conversation with my mother, she surprised me one day when she told me that she wanted to give the like-new car to my son. Ten years old, 6,000 miles, two battery replacements and dry-rotted original tires at that point, we replaced things & my son received a nice gift. Mom spared 4 of us by making up her mind. It may have helped that she knew the Uncle Ed story following three minor collisions involving his mother. Blessings to all. A humorous story will follow.
How normalizing that you are sharing this here, especially as it is a conversation that so many people fear having. And I love hearing from your father. May we all be that thoughtful and self-aware when our time comes.
I really appreciate that he was willing to let me share our conversation in Sandwich Season. It's a hard topic, but he is handling it well. And I am so thankful.
You are a fabulous writer Sarah! Yes, car keys can be a very touchy, heart wrenching situation, and the Doctor saved the situation! I could "hear" your dad as I read his response, it was perfect❤️
My great grandfather didn’t give up his keys until after he crashed his car into the garage. Luckily no one was hurt. His daughter, my 103 grandmother, had told me that story many times, yet she was stubborn and fought to keep her driving privileges into her late nineties. What I’ve learned from dealing with Grandma Kay and my dad (who also fought over this) is that as the “wiser” child, arguing the importance of safety doesn’t get through to them when they are watching their quality of life slip away. Finding a way to fill the void of that quality of life aspect is, I think, what can help alleviate that issue. It’s by no means easy. Thanks for sharing Sarah.
Kevin, what a compelling set of experiences in your family ... and wisdom from you: "Finding a way to fill the void of that quality of life aspect is, I think, what can help alleviate that issue." Yes! Thank you for your thoughts.
Am hoping to do this aging process gracefully but to give up driving IS a big deal! It is so helpful when someone can step in... outside of family!!! So interesting, Sarah!!! Jewell
Yes, I so appreciate the doctor for stepping into that conversation and giving us both a way to think about the issue of driving. And I, too, am proud of Dad! :) Thanks, Jewell.
What a touching story. Your dad has both grace and wisdom. May I react similarly when the time comes--probably not too long from now--for the same conversartion with my offspring.
Your dad may not have the reaction time needed to drive, but he has insight and beautiful grace (in spades) that he used to made his decision. He has my respect.
First....Dear Jim, I greatly respect your attitude and the fact that you are sharing this with us. I can't imagine this for myself yet (plus we have excellent public transport here...even if it gets delayed sometimes). However, my Dad had a few small strokes and impaired vision, and I was truly scared when he confessed that he still drove around (this was before he had a significant hospitalisation in 2015). The decision was taken out of his hands in 2015, a relief in many ways. So, thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective.
Sarah, this is a wonderful article . Thank you for organising this with your Dad. I'm impressed with your Dad's doctor. An objective medical opinion is important.
I'll link to this article from Carer Mentor. Thank you.
Victoria, my dad appreciated your message to him -- thank you so much! And yes, I think that doctor is a bit of a hero. His conversation with us helped immensely. Thank you for sharing our story!
I can appreciate this on many levels! First, I've dealt with this with both of my parents. My dad got in an accident and agreed to stop driving rather easily, but my mom... that process was a DOOZY. Someday I'll write about it. But she almost got kicked out of her assisted living and damaged several relationships to hold on to the symbol of independence that driving represented. Second, having gone through this with my mom, I appreciate you doctor's response! At many points with her I have wished that other people would help out with the hard stuff, or even play the bad cop. It's much easier for a dr. to tell someone they need to stop driving than a daughter. Lastly, I love your dad's attitude! It's a hard decision, but he seems overall positive and level-headed about it. Thanks for sharing.
Anna, I can imagine the challenges and am sorry you had to go through that with your parents and their driving situations. Raising a child with special needs taught me how much we need a village to help raise kids ... but the same is true with helping our parents as they age (heck, we need a village throughout our lives, but that's another story). I am so thankful for that doctor in our current "village" and his bold words. And I thank you for your kind comments about my dad, which I shared with him. :)
As a Detective driving an unmarked car, I visited the post office and I witnessed an old man driving an old station wagon as he backed into a parked car. I radioed for backup and a uniformed officer arrived and exchanged information as the collision was on private property. The old man was about 96 and he was a well known millionaire who still lived on his diminishing farm. It was once much larger but he donated the land for the City’s high school & sold the land for a Metro subway stop & parking lot. I inspected his station wagon’s metal, rear bumper. It was adorned by more than thirty different paint transfers from years of his bumper-car backing habits. In the squad room, i referred to the bumper as a “psychedelic bumper” due to the random colors; Klee, Pollack or Miro couldn’t have done better, it’s colors rivaled the hippy buses from the Summer of Love. The front metal bumper was equally festooned.
Three or four years later, I was very close to a reported hit & run accident in which the victim remained at the scene but reported that she had been rear-ended by an old station wagon, driven by an old man. After hitting her car, he backed-up & drove around her, then drove off. She was not harmed. I was the first to arrive and, as I approached the back of her car and observed an entire metal bumper, with license plate attached along with a known paint-transfer-pattern. I radioed that the victim was ok and that I would be going directly to the old man’s farm to talk to his daughter.
I found the father and daughter standing near the car and her eyes told me that she fully understood where things would have to go. Within a month, the ticketing officer had brought the case to the attention of a judge and the daughter had obtained a doctor’s order to end her father’s driving privileges. By the time this happened, the man was either 99 or 100. To my knowledge, there was never an injury from his chronic, paint-transfer collisions…even after his bumper fell off.
Phil, what a story and well told at that! I can picture that crazy Summer of Love bumper. :) Thank you for sharing it -- I love that it came with a relatively happy ending.
(I apologize for not responding sooner. I somehow missed your comment.)
After three fender-benders while driving in traffic, my Uncle Ed visited my grandmother’s home and told her that she couldn’t drive any more. She was in her 80s. Her response, “Well, you are no longer welcome in my home.” His response, “Mom, I love you.”
For me, seeking to avoid the conversation with my mother, she surprised me one day when she told me that she wanted to give the like-new car to my son. Ten years old, 6,000 miles, two battery replacements and dry-rotted original tires at that point, we replaced things & my son received a nice gift. Mom spared 4 of us by making up her mind. It may have helped that she knew the Uncle Ed story following three minor collisions involving his mother. Blessings to all. A humorous story will follow.
If only every generation could hang up the keys without acrimony ... Note to self ... Thanks for sharing these stories too, Phil!
How normalizing that you are sharing this here, especially as it is a conversation that so many people fear having. And I love hearing from your father. May we all be that thoughtful and self-aware when our time comes.
I really appreciate that he was willing to let me share our conversation in Sandwich Season. It's a hard topic, but he is handling it well. And I am so thankful.
You are a fabulous writer Sarah! Yes, car keys can be a very touchy, heart wrenching situation, and the Doctor saved the situation! I could "hear" your dad as I read his response, it was perfect❤️
Thank you, Pam! You've seen our family through lots of seasons. I'm sure you could hear my dad! 😊 I'm happy that all is well on this front.
My great grandfather didn’t give up his keys until after he crashed his car into the garage. Luckily no one was hurt. His daughter, my 103 grandmother, had told me that story many times, yet she was stubborn and fought to keep her driving privileges into her late nineties. What I’ve learned from dealing with Grandma Kay and my dad (who also fought over this) is that as the “wiser” child, arguing the importance of safety doesn’t get through to them when they are watching their quality of life slip away. Finding a way to fill the void of that quality of life aspect is, I think, what can help alleviate that issue. It’s by no means easy. Thanks for sharing Sarah.
Kevin, what a compelling set of experiences in your family ... and wisdom from you: "Finding a way to fill the void of that quality of life aspect is, I think, what can help alleviate that issue." Yes! Thank you for your thoughts.
Another great article and love the happy ending, Sarah. I’ve been lucky on the parents driving front - never had to have the conversation.
I’m hoping that we ourselves won’t need to be told to hand over the keys thanks to self-driving cars.
Thanks, John -- and yes, there will be new chapters to write on this topic of giving up the keys in the future!
So proud of your Dad for cooperating!!
Am hoping to do this aging process gracefully but to give up driving IS a big deal! It is so helpful when someone can step in... outside of family!!! So interesting, Sarah!!! Jewell
Yes, I so appreciate the doctor for stepping into that conversation and giving us both a way to think about the issue of driving. And I, too, am proud of Dad! :) Thanks, Jewell.
What a touching story. Your dad has both grace and wisdom. May I react similarly when the time comes--probably not too long from now--for the same conversartion with my offspring.
Thank you, Nancy. I shared your reaction with my dad, who was touched by it. All best wishes to you.
Your dad may not have the reaction time needed to drive, but he has insight and beautiful grace (in spades) that he used to made his decision. He has my respect.
So well put, Kristen! Thank you for this -- I shared it with my dad, who really appreciated your words. :)
*make his decision. ;)
First....Dear Jim, I greatly respect your attitude and the fact that you are sharing this with us. I can't imagine this for myself yet (plus we have excellent public transport here...even if it gets delayed sometimes). However, my Dad had a few small strokes and impaired vision, and I was truly scared when he confessed that he still drove around (this was before he had a significant hospitalisation in 2015). The decision was taken out of his hands in 2015, a relief in many ways. So, thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective.
Sarah, this is a wonderful article . Thank you for organising this with your Dad. I'm impressed with your Dad's doctor. An objective medical opinion is important.
I'll link to this article from Carer Mentor. Thank you.
Victoria, my dad appreciated your message to him -- thank you so much! And yes, I think that doctor is a bit of a hero. His conversation with us helped immensely. Thank you for sharing our story!
I can appreciate this on many levels! First, I've dealt with this with both of my parents. My dad got in an accident and agreed to stop driving rather easily, but my mom... that process was a DOOZY. Someday I'll write about it. But she almost got kicked out of her assisted living and damaged several relationships to hold on to the symbol of independence that driving represented. Second, having gone through this with my mom, I appreciate you doctor's response! At many points with her I have wished that other people would help out with the hard stuff, or even play the bad cop. It's much easier for a dr. to tell someone they need to stop driving than a daughter. Lastly, I love your dad's attitude! It's a hard decision, but he seems overall positive and level-headed about it. Thanks for sharing.
Anna, I can imagine the challenges and am sorry you had to go through that with your parents and their driving situations. Raising a child with special needs taught me how much we need a village to help raise kids ... but the same is true with helping our parents as they age (heck, we need a village throughout our lives, but that's another story). I am so thankful for that doctor in our current "village" and his bold words. And I thank you for your kind comments about my dad, which I shared with him. :)